Maybe you will


I loved you I tired I gave you my soul
You twist everything it’s out of control
This isn’t my destiny I survived to much for this to be
Tell me, did I not love you enough, I gave you all of me
I gave you my soul, my heart, there isn’t any more inside
I swear to God it feels as if I already  died
So much gone wrong, nothing will ever again be right
Why oh why do we have to fight
Over everything can’t you see
I loved you with everything inside of me
But I can’t do this not another day
I don’t think you care and that’s ok
Because I’m tired,  one day you will be too
You will be tired of ALWAYS fighting you
You push away just when you start to let someone in
It took five years to slowly begin
You let me see a little and I loved you the same
I guess you never thought my love would remain
I hope you at least felt how loved you truly were
I hope the memories never become a blur
Maybe you will love someone like I love you so deep inside
And finally you will feel like you don’t have to hide.
I hope for you to find someone who puts every broken piece together
I hope you find your always and forever

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Fighting for love….


It seems that too often in life, I end up in the same spot where I’m at right now. My life has been full of sheer bliss over the past few days. There hasn’t been any overwhelming anxiety, no irritability, its just been a serene calm. Imagine that feeling of being at a beach, where you are laying in the warm sun and you don’t have a care in the world. The peaceful sensation that you feel as your feet touch the sand, watching as the ocean water gently flows over the tops of toes. That’s how it’s been but unfortunately those feelings suddenly change as my mind slowly creeps away from bliss and towards the gloom. The clouds turn black and instantly rain pours down with vengeance. The peaceful sensation is gone, replaced by uneasiness as you attempt to flee for shelter. This rain isn’t the kind that would make you want to dance in it. Instead, it’s more like the kind that puts fear in your heart as the lightning strikes and the thunder roars. For those with a mental illness, sometimes that’s how love works. You desperately want to stay in a place of bliss, where the arms of the one that you love provide a safe haven. But it doesn’t always work that way!  Negative images slither in like a snake, eating away at all positive thoughts and leaving dreadful despair. As I’m overcome with the feeling that the harder I try, the more that I fail. I don’t know why I’m doomed with this mindset of being left to feel unworthy, unwanted and alone. Why don’t I deserve to be loved?  Have I not been through enough? Has their not been enough pain? These questions flood my thoughts and make me feel like the part of my brain that allows the symptoms of my illness, also allow for it to take control by self-sabotaging every moment of happiness. Silently whispering feelings of despair in my ear. Then the realistic side of my brain questions, what if this is reality? What if you are being treated like this?  What if no one but your children will ever love you because you’re just too crazy to be loved? I feel like I need constant validation and confirmation that I am loved, that I am worthy. That is the part that’s so frustrating to me because I truly know that I am worthy of being loved. I’m at war mentally, fighting my own thoughts in a battle that never seems to end. Trying to figure out where I fit in this world as a wife, mother and professional with my career. God knows my pain and the exhaustion that I feel from this. I refuse to give up! I will continue to fight for love, I will continue to fight within my own mind to love myself.  Loving every part of me. ..

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One Small Crack Doesn’t Mean your Broken, It Means That You Were Put to the Test and You Didn’t Fall Apart

                   The Super Hero in Me

Giving up isn’t an option so don’t you dare fall apart

Your little girls are watching you find the courage in your heart

You are an over comer so get up and start this fight

There is a flame inside you and it burns so bright

God has carried you through so much and he is there for you

Remember there is nothing in this life that is too difficult to do

You are a super hero, Marvel will tell you so

A super mom super wife all this you surly know

The past doesn’t define you but it should help you see

That there is more to this life and a Solider you must be

Sometimes it feels dark and you can’t see the light

Those are the times you must get up and fight

Grace, and mercy will find you God is by your side

Get up and fight don’t you dare try to hide

You are a dimand and they begin so rough

Keep moving forward i know that this is tough

I believe in you i hope that you can see

There is a super hero and she lives inside of me