She’s a tornado, a constant whirl wind


She wonders why so often the letters are engraved deep into her broken mind.

She is tired but she doesn’t quit because she is strong.

Tired from medication… or is it a busy life… or is it the depression that won’t let her be.

She only wants to be free.

So she asks why…why not me?

Was she destined to this life or was it a mistake? God might have gotten her mixed up with someone else.

So she asks why… why me?

The inner parts of heart and soul are similar to a flame solid and fierce.

But they don’t align with her mind.. so broken

Why can’t the medications just work to create a even keel?

Why can’t the broken parts of her mind just heal?

So she asks why… why am I so lost.

If God is in seek of the lost…. why hasn’t he found her?

So she asks him why….why God why?

He answers her simply by engraving her heart..

With unspoken words.. that can only be felt.

She knows why….

She is destined to find and to seek… others like her that are so weak.

Her flame will ignite something so great…she realizes suddenly that this is her fate.  

Knowing doesn’t make her pain go away..she still has days when all it does is rain. 

But the rain brings rainbows…. and rainbows are a promise of a better tomorrow

She dances in the rain with a tear streamed face…hold captive in madness spinning like a tornado….a whirlwind out of control

But she is free… freedom found in cage of insanity

~Jessica Rodriguez

Founder of Grace2Fight

Tornado’s are a beautiful disaster  


The grey cloud

Today the grey cloud hovers over me. I am sad without reason. How can someone with so much be sad. I feel empty. Thoughts of church came into my mind again for the thousands time. Months of hearing the same thought, find a church get into a routine…find a church get into a routine. I know.. I know I say to myself. We all know what to do it’s executing the plan that’s the hard part. I can blame it on the unruly children or the hours of missed sleep.. or my husband the un-motivator. But in the end it’s me. I need to lead my family in the right direction that is my duty as a mother. I need God his presence his light. I need to feel him today. I need him to take away my thoughts full of fears and sorrow and meaninglessness. I need his Grace. It’s not the job the home life or the lack of balance between the two it is just me. The person who hates commitments the person who is one day full light and great ideas and laughter and the next as sluggish as eyore. I want to be free from my bipolar mood swings I am beyond sick of them. Sick of feeling like i do is this moment, like no one can understand. God help me get through the grey day you know i cannot travel through this black tunnel alone1399407928946491.jpg

Despair hit my inner soul

Words you never expect to hear from your child, words that make you relive your history. I can’t begin to describe how broken i feel, how i feel i failed her. How i wish i could go back and change every stupid mistake. My mental illness has been winning as i go through the challenges of life kicking and screaming with just enough time to gasp for air before getting hit with yet another storm. I think i am passed the why’s and how’s and moving on to the damns. My tears have stopped falling and i see a faint light at the end of this horrible tunnel and if i allow myself to just keep pushing through i might make it out in one piece.
A friend told me every challenge, every heart ache, every piece of pain is a learning experience something we get in order to help someone else get through the same thing to give them hope that they will live. Apparently God wants me to save the world because so far in my thirty years i have experienced more pain more trauma more crazy situations than anyone else i know or have met in my life.
After four heart wrenching days today was finally OK, i had moments of tears for my daughter, moments were i wanted to just drive to the school get her out and hold her. But i know that won’t help, what she needs is my strength love and support what she needs is a mom who is willing to fight the world to save her, and that i am.

Part of my story

2016-01-23-14.00.38.jpg.jpgMy parents had four children: Tanya, myself, Jeni and Andy. They were alcoholics and drug users. So us children spent a majority of our childhood with our grandparents on our mother’s side of the family. We played with the kids next door and their parents embraced and loved us like we were their own. I never wanted to leave there and the hugs that I received were what I often thought about before going to bed. When I was six years old, they moved out of town into a huge house with so many bedrooms. We spent the weekend at their new place helping paint, laughing, dancing to good music, and surrounded by love. It was amazing! I especially took a liking to their mother, Maureen, as she’s a woman whom to this day I still very much look up to as a role model. So as a broken little six year old, I asked her the question, “can I call you mom?” Tears streamed down her face and as the amazing woman she is, she naturally said “yes!” Approximately two months later, my parents abruptly moved our family to Pennsylvania. At the time, I had no idea but Maureen and her husband, Chip, had started the process of becoming foster parents and decided that they were going to fight for the custody of myself and my three siblings. The years that we lived in Pennsylvania were the hardest. The neglect was worse than ever as we were often left alone. I missed, Maureen, the person that I viewed as a true mother. I missed the smell of her hair, the smell of the house, everything. Shortly after, my father got arrested for the statutory rape of our babysitter, which trigger our move back to Connecticut. My grandmother (Nauni, as we so affectionately call her) remained in contact with Maureen throughout the years, so thankfully I was able to call and speak with them on occasion. My father ultimately got sentenced to five years in prison when I was only eleven years old. About a month later, I got a phone call from Maureen’s daughter, Tricia (essentially my sister), where she informed us of some horrible news. She told me that her dad, Chip, had passed away from leukemia. I was devastated as I lost both my biological father to prison and a man who I looked up to as a father within weeks of each other. It hurt all of us so much but my older sister Tanya took it the worst as she shared an indescribable bond with Chip. Within six months, the Department of Children and Families (DCF) came and removed all of us children. My younger siblings Jeni and Andy both were placed with Nauni and Grandpa, as Tanya and myself went to live with our aunt and uncle. What no one knew, except my horrible parents, was my grandfather had been molesting Tanya and I for years. My parents had sent us there summer after summer, even though they knew about the disgusting actions of Grandpa. The reason my parents never stepped in was because Grandpa paid all of their bills. So I guess that in their minds, they viewed it as an even exchange. It still makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I didn’t last long living with my Uncle (my Mom’s brother) as he it turned out that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree as he took right after his dad and was a pedophile also. I called Maureen to let her know everything that was happening and eventually went to live with her. I felt like I had finally made it home! However, I wish the story was just that simple and contained the storybook happy ending but tragically, it doesn’t. At that point, I had become very demonstrative as I felt very damaged inside. I would act out, I was out of control and dangerous. I was no longer that broken sad little six year old girl that was in desperate need for a mother’s hug. I was reckless and destructive to everyone around me. My journey continues on as it’s been long and not very pretty. Thank you for reading this part of my story, there is lots more to come, so please stay tuned…

Wednesday Blues

I had a great day yesterday, I felt as though i was on a new horizon. I felt like i was re discovering myself. Yesterday it felt like Mental Illness didn’t exist and there was hope.

Today as i drove to work i was overwhelmed with anxiety, tomorrow is Thursday the day i leave to go Tennessee. I have two son’s they are 12 and 11. They where adopted by there paternal grandparents in 2006. I haven’t seen them in four years. It hurts, God does it hurt. I don’t want to deal with the pain, i don’t want to face it. I want to cancel the trip. I am scared. Today isn’t a good day for me. Today is a gruesome day of what it’s like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder. My disorder is winning today and it’s not fair.  I think the isolation part is the worse i can’t ask for help but i want to. I don’t want to talk to anyone, but i do all at the same time. I don’t want to eat but i need too.  I am at war within my own mind. Even writing this i want to delete it in fear my family will see it and try to engage with me. I don’t want to engage, i don’t want to hear it will get better. I want to lay and bed and hold my dog and think about dying. Think about the peace of no longer being trapped in my head. I don’t remember it always being this bad. Maybe it was because i use drugs for so long not to feel, then for the past five years in my sober life, my new life i thought of nothing but being the fixer for other people. I would make other peoples problems my problems. I would take on the world like that’s what God sent me here to do. Then someone i loved very much, someone who was there for me for five years, someone so close to me she was like a sister died of breast cancer and everything changed. That was on August 11th 2015 six months ago. I was there everyday of her last week on earth i spent the night her last night here, just me and her in the hospital room. I fell asleep listening to her struggling to breath. That changed me, i no longer wanted other peoples problems. The mental illness had always been there in the background of my life the real reasons behind my what i call spazz attacks, my hypo-mania, my over spending, my irritability. It was just easier to not see my problems and only see other peoples. Taking the focus off me i know was probably what kept me  from going back to drugs. It is kind of crazy to me to look at the bigger picture and see the canvas God is painting for me. I keep trying to tell myself that these feelings are a choice and i am choosing to allow them to consume me. But for those who know what it’s like to live with BPD you know how hard it is.

 Inside of Me

I don’t want to live today but i don’t want to die.

There are no tears falling because inside is where i cry.

Is this what my life will always be?

I am hurting so bad but no one can see.

The smile i wear, inside is a frown

I appear to be strong but inside i break down

Inside my mind is where i scream and i yell

But looking at me now, no one can tell

Your so strong is what they all say

I smile at them and think i cant live this way

I don’t want to show it, inside i am consumed by fear

No one will love me no one will want me near

They will see i am broken no one can help me

I don’t want to live like this why can’t God see

What is the purpose of this today it’s not so clear

Yesterday was great and i felt un touched by fear

I thought i was getting better but today i really  don’t know

I know i need to see my son’s God give me strength to go

I pray writing this down will release what is inside

I refuse to give up i need to know i tried

I need to be my own source of strength and remind myself to fight

Tomorrow will be a better day i will be alright

I have to believe i will get through day by day

Some days will be good and some bad this is the only way

I still have to live no matter what i feel

I need to remind myself most of my feelings aren’t real

I know i seem so crazy and it truly makes me feel alone

Parts of me are hidden the broken places will stay unknown

My life has never been easy i went through so much and no love

I prayed constantly for God to send an angel from above

I wanted my mom and dad but not like they were then

I wanted the delusions, the parents they could of been

No one loved that sad little girl they pushed out into this world alone

She was broken and no one cared so her real self was never shown

Now at 30 who is she, she really doesn’t know can’t you see

There is still alot of pain that lives inside of me

I still have unanswered questions like why she really left me there

And then you expect me to help you, when you left me without a care

I guess there is anger and i hold it in so tight

Because all i want is to see this world with  different sight

I want to move on and not be consumed by what i feel

I want to feel whole God i just want to heal

I am so broken but know one can see

There is so many broken parts inside of me

Jessica Mae Rodriguez