How did it get that bad? Is the question I ask myself
The thoughts echo in my head as my heart beat pounds like background music.
You want to call someone, you think it over and over again
But you know the minute you say suicidal everyone will start freaking out
I won’t really do it, I mean how could I when I have children
But how did it get that bad that my thought in midst of my chaos is suicide?
Happy memories of yesterday feel non-existent and crumble away from my mind
As today’s anxiety overtake me
Everything felt so out of control and peace felt so out of reach
You see objects out of place and your skin crawls
You notice every crumb, every streak, on every surface in your house
And the thought of cleaning it, yet again, fills you with rage
What else could I do but lay on my bed and sulk in my misery
That’s when the thought came….
That the only way to end the suffering would be to die
The thought that I will be like this for the rest of my life
Up down Up down like a yoyo that never stops.
Then you get it all out releasing it from your mind and you begin to feel a calm wave through your body
For this moment all is well again and that’s all that matters