I had a great day yesterday, I felt as though i was on a new horizon. I felt like i was re discovering myself. Yesterday it felt like Mental Illness didn’t exist and there was hope.
Today as i drove to work i was overwhelmed with anxiety, tomorrow is Thursday the day i leave to go Tennessee. I have two son’s they are 12 and 11. They where adopted by there paternal grandparents in 2006. I haven’t seen them in four years. It hurts, God does it hurt. I don’t want to deal with the pain, i don’t want to face it. I want to cancel the trip. I am scared. Today isn’t a good day for me. Today is a gruesome day of what it’s like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder. My disorder is winning today and it’s not fair. I think the isolation part is the worse i can’t ask for help but i want to. I don’t want to talk to anyone, but i do all at the same time. I don’t want to eat but i need too. I am at war within my own mind. Even writing this i want to delete it in fear my family will see it and try to engage with me. I don’t want to engage, i don’t want to hear it will get better. I want to lay and bed and hold my dog and think about dying. Think about the peace of no longer being trapped in my head. I don’t remember it always being this bad. Maybe it was because i use drugs for so long not to feel, then for the past five years in my sober life, my new life i thought of nothing but being the fixer for other people. I would make other peoples problems my problems. I would take on the world like that’s what God sent me here to do. Then someone i loved very much, someone who was there for me for five years, someone so close to me she was like a sister died of breast cancer and everything changed. That was on August 11th 2015 six months ago. I was there everyday of her last week on earth i spent the night her last night here, just me and her in the hospital room. I fell asleep listening to her struggling to breath. That changed me, i no longer wanted other peoples problems. The mental illness had always been there in the background of my life the real reasons behind my what i call spazz attacks, my hypo-mania, my over spending, my irritability. It was just easier to not see my problems and only see other peoples. Taking the focus off me i know was probably what kept me from going back to drugs. It is kind of crazy to me to look at the bigger picture and see the canvas God is painting for me. I keep trying to tell myself that these feelings are a choice and i am choosing to allow them to consume me. But for those who know what it’s like to live with BPD you know how hard it is.
Inside of Me
I don’t want to live today but i don’t want to die.
There are no tears falling because inside is where i cry.
Is this what my life will always be?
I am hurting so bad but no one can see.
The smile i wear, inside is a frown
I appear to be strong but inside i break down
Inside my mind is where i scream and i yell
But looking at me now, no one can tell
Your so strong is what they all say
I smile at them and think i cant live this way
I don’t want to show it, inside i am consumed by fear
No one will love me no one will want me near
They will see i am broken no one can help me
I don’t want to live like this why can’t God see
What is the purpose of this today it’s not so clear
Yesterday was great and i felt un touched by fear
I thought i was getting better but today i really don’t know
I know i need to see my son’s God give me strength to go
I pray writing this down will release what is inside
I refuse to give up i need to know i tried
I need to be my own source of strength and remind myself to fight
Tomorrow will be a better day i will be alright
I have to believe i will get through day by day
Some days will be good and some bad this is the only way
I still have to live no matter what i feel
I need to remind myself most of my feelings aren’t real
I know i seem so crazy and it truly makes me feel alone
Parts of me are hidden the broken places will stay unknown
My life has never been easy i went through so much and no love
I prayed constantly for God to send an angel from above
I wanted my mom and dad but not like they were then
I wanted the delusions, the parents they could of been
No one loved that sad little girl they pushed out into this world alone
She was broken and no one cared so her real self was never shown
Now at 30 who is she, she really doesn’t know can’t you see
There is still alot of pain that lives inside of me
I still have unanswered questions like why she really left me there
And then you expect me to help you, when you left me without a care
I guess there is anger and i hold it in so tight
Because all i want is to see this world with different sight
I want to move on and not be consumed by what i feel
I want to feel whole God i just want to heal
I am so broken but know one can see
There is so many broken parts inside of me
Jessica Mae Rodriguez