Insomnia…feeling like you are about to fall into a deep sleep only to be jolted awake over and over again until you get up mentally wide awake but physically feeling like crap. I stopped taking my meds a little over two months ago. I was sick of the side effects, sick of feeling numb. I was lost in a world of black and white all the color disappeared. I didn’t know who I was anymore. With the support of my husband, it has been really great except for my inability to sleep while manic and not being able to focus for long periods of time. I am exhausted but I will survive. I am going get through this hurdle of insomnia and life will be okay. Something I tell myself in moments of racing thoughts and anxiety, “getting overwhelmed isn’t going to fix the problem, screaming and anger will make it worse, this is just a moment it will pass”. Those silent thoughts have been the cornerstone to my daily survival. I have more good days than bad, I feel connected inside my soul, heart, and mind. I wonder what those meds really do to us, I wonder if we are not the crazy ones after all. Perhaps we are the gifted ones….
I love who I am every broken, crazy piece. I am free in my captivity.