My soul craves quiet, the silence of rain hitting a tin roof, worry free in a life full of chaos. I have mastered the ability of ignoring my own destructive thoughts and have been episode free for over two months. But I still struggle silently and in my dreams. The medication helps to calm the rage..depression is still a constant ever so present cloud just waiting for its opportunity to rain on my parade. But God fills me with a peace beyond human understanding. He helps me remember that I am stronger than I realize. Peace in the chaos, peace in bad situations like loosing a job that paid me more than I ever thought I’d make.  I didn’t panic, I knew and know I don’t have to be afraid anymore.  Fear will drain me from every bit of peace I have and feed the rage monster that lives within. I can’t risk that. I’ve noticed a huge difference in my children as they are less fearful of the she-hulk coming out every time life’s chaotic. Who knew all along I really am  Bipolar. I say that like there was ever a question of whether I wasn’t. I guess part of be still struggled with accepting it. To me it felt like a death trap, 4 pills a day for the rest of my life to be “normal”. But I accepted it because life is peaceful

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