If I was watching from the outside I imagine I would be like “damn can this girl catch a break”? I don’t expect anyone to understand the pain in my heart that goes all the way to my stomach and turns like a fist, creating a constant need to want to lay in fetal position. Yes, Scarlet was a dog, but she was NOT just a dog. She was my true companion, she was there for me in moments when I didn’t want anyone near me. She was a part of my family. I don’t know anymore it seems when things start to get better something else happens ya i know that’s life right?  I don’t know how to feel or what I feel. I just know I am sliding into each day hoping to see the sunshine over the horizon and holding on tight to the moments that don’t hurt.  One thing I know for sure, life is crazy, and boy oh boy is it a roller coaster but through the years, I have defiantly learned to hang on tight.

I wonder what free feels like, the wind in my hair, sand in my toes, no depression, no guilt, no over-analyzing, no need to do constant mindfulness and thought awareness, just free.  Eyes closed, fan blowing in my face, creed playing in my ears, I pause to take a breath and for a moment I am free. I am not here I am not anywhere. I always imagined myself as a hippie in my past life the person inside me has that persona and I wish I could let her out but it seems like since the day of birth the unfortunate life events seem to keep me from having the carefree, love and peace attitude I so so so ache to release from inside me.  I wonder if this is the end of the streak of bad luck my family and I have had. I hope I don’t pass this curse down to my children. I wonder if the old testament is true where God curses blood lines indefinitely and that just so happens to be the blood line I was born into. Kidding…. sort of lol

In this moment right now I am still happy, in the hurt of losing my scarlet, the depression of my illness with all that I hear a song and think of my husband and I smile. I think Thank you God for giving me him. In that moment, nothing else matters except him. Documenting the human experience of mental illness makes me see just how complex the human brain really is. How the way we think causes us to feel as a reaction to that thought, in turn, will come to the behaviors of happiness like smiling composure peacefulness  or depression being down isolating not acting like yourself or anger. -1 week ago

Today -Day-to-day life with Mental Illness can be extremely exhausting yesterday from having what I call a tasked filled day I had to remind myself repeatedly that I can only go as fast as I can go. sometimes I put time restraints on myself that are impossible for superman to do. As the peace of the self-reminder that is only human sank in I began to wonder what is like to just feel normal for my brain to process information the way that it was intended too. As I listened to KSBJ I realized that it did work the way it was intended too, that this is the way God himself built me with a purpose with a heart the size of the ocean and fierce and drive needed to move mountains when the time arises. Dear self, it’s okay to be where you are to feel stress feel anger happiness sadness joy and satisfaction all emotions reacted for a purpose and meant to flow through us like the waves of the ocean some strong and some soft. However, you can’t go against the tide and try to change the wave it will beat you up and suck you down taking the joys of the water away……. let them flow and ride the waves no matter which wave comes…….

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