This morning my first thought was negative. I caught the thought and spent a few minutes allowing what I was feeling to be felt and not consume my morning, I feel like I succeeded.
Depression seems to keep presenting itself, periodically through the day I have learned to ignore it. Looking back on my life, I think I know what started this, the negative cycle of thoughts the pessimism. Part of it was the constant fighting of my parents, the feelings of fear and no were to run. Then the constant feelings of inadequacy, we were sent to school in the mornings with no assistance in getting dressed or hair brushed. That is where the compare and despair started. Always wondering why we didn’t have cloths that where pretty or nice hair not even a bow. I was a little girl who never had a bow in her hair. My self-confidence never developed only insecurity and constant self judgment. Never feeling pretty or worthy. The outsider is how I felt most days like I just didn’t fit in anywhere. As I grew up I used the things I did have to get the acceptance and attention I wanted. I never got close to anyone outside of family, in fear my true self would be exposed and I would suffer the humiliation all over again. I am not her today. When I look in the mirror I am proud, well on most days. I even occasionally like myself without makeup and that’s a huge deal. The self acceptance came in my fourth year of marriage, I felt comfortable in my own skin and accepted by my husband. I remember the feeling when I could put shorts on and not feel disgusted with my cellulite. I didn’t care I was free from my own self-consciousness, my own self judging thoughts. I felt pretty and confident for me not for anyone else. Now changing my daily thinking, changing the way my brain was trained to process information that’s a daily fight to be aware. To think right after you think. To slow down enough to enjoy simplicity. Beautiful trees in the midst of a dirty crowed city. The smell of fresh-cut grass. Reading, Art my children. I just want to live without a constant reminder of my past of my mental illness. I want to live in a way that you can see the light radiate from me. One day I will get there.
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