I hate this disorder, third medication and i just feel defeated. The past three days have been glorious peaceful just normal. Or what i imagine normal to feel like, then all of a sudden this morning i can’t breath, i feel almost short of breath i begin to gasp as i think to myself i am having a bad reaction to the depakote has to be i need to go to the hospital. i try to relax myself and i ask myself what is this weird feeling all over my body with my head down i focus on what my body is telling me, i am antsy, i feel like i could run a mile, i feel trapped in here, blurred vision, my mind can’t focus on anything, panic hits me whats wrong with me? Then it hits me, it’s Mania, knowing what i have now helps in a way because i can pin point what’s coming next on the wave of this ride, but it also makes me feel like ugh i was still hoping my doctor was wrong about my diagnosis. Or my husband was wrong about the physically ill side effects i seem to give myself every thirty days. I hope knowing were i am in my mood disorder will make it easier to control today. Mania never ends well with me. I have had such a strong connection to God lately I do believe if i can just stop my negative, worry-sum thoughts long enough to focus on his trust it would be easier to handle the drastic change from one mood to the next. Only it’s easier said than done, i can’t stop the thoughts of, ” is the medicine working? or maybe i shouldn’t went down in my dosage, or the worst one of them all….. Is it going to be like this forever?”
I know it won’t. I know the plans God has for me in this. I know i am meant to change the lives of so many people, through my experience and healing . I believe whole heatedly in what God has brought me through has all been for a bigger purpose. If you don’t believe in God i feel sorry for you, because you are missing out on an extraordinary love. I have seen too many miracles in my life thus far, and if i can travel through the dark side of hell and still believe than what excuse do you really have? God doesn’t love one of us more than the other. It is our hearts that determine how much of him we get to feel, hear and see. There has been lots of times i scream at him, swear at him, turn my back on him in moments of pain and hurt. Then i realize i have no one without him. Everyone in my life are only able to help or be there for me or even understand to a human capacity. God is truly the only one who understands, loves and comforts to no limit.When you allow your self to open up to him in a way that makes you feel almost straight jacket crazy no pun intended on my bipolar post, is when you can actually feel the energy. There is negative energy and positive energy, obviously God is positive and the corrupt and evil of this world we live in, were some people starve and some live in houses big enough to fit a city of people in just because they can, were the rich get richer and the poor stay poor in a system designed to keep it that way. Where children suffer abuse and we are killing our planet with pollution, were we kill each other over race, religion and politics. That is the negative. I have felt both and both are real. We can also create a magnet within our own body that will attract either or for me personally i am a negative energy attract-er. Negative thoughts such as, ” i bet nothing works out like i hoped, what should i look out for next, or anticipating when the next situation i need to go right will go wrong, along with financial despair. Then my next line always is damn Murphy’s law, i have such bad luck “. I realized last night while praying before going to sleep that i do not have to be a negative energy attract-er anymore. That the positive energy God has given to each of us with his Grace, Love and Mercy is already mine, and ours. So i prayed to help me not get lost in negative thoughts to keep the negative energy away from me, to help me remember that i belong to positive energy, that i belong to God. I am grateful for all i have been through, each day is a challenge some days more than others. But i do know it won’t always be like this and praying helps, praying and believing in the process God has brought me too. I hope and pray to each person that reads this today that God will bless you with the warm energy of his love, that you feel it and pause and even if you just wonder if it’s him you know deep down it is.